heavy heart.

I don’t need to state the obvious, but I will. This week has been hard. What happened in Las Vegas is beyond comprehension… yet for the 59 families who are dealing with deaths, 500+ other families who are dealing with injuries, and the thousands of other families who are dealing with the repercussions of having been a first-hand witness of a literal massacre, it’s been a living nightmare. I cannot imagine what they are going through. I cannot express how much my heart is hurting for them.

I had a strong realization this week, that the question is no longer “if”…. it’s “when”.  When will I be in the wrong place at the wrong time?  When will this happen to me or someone I love? I’m not saying this to be dramatic… I’m saying it to be realistic.

Casey and I have talked about the fact that we have been so close to a few shootings in the last few years. I was working 5 minutes from the grocery store in Tucson (where I stopped by before/after work multiple times a week) where there was a shooting that killed 6 people and injured many, including US Rep Gabrielle Giffords. When we lived in Portland, we were 15 minutes away from the Clackamas Town shooting that killed 2 people. Again, I’m not saying this to be dramatic but to paint the picture that it’s happening right next door.

What is happening in our world is unacceptable. The simple fact that we can’t go to a concert… or to school… a movie… to church… a nightclub… etc etc…. without worrying about dying? How did we get here? I don’t know about you but every time something like this happens, I find it harder and harder to be optimistic about the future. At this point, we are dealing with daily mass shootings. It’s a fact that our kids are more likely to die from a gun than from a car accident. Our future seems so bleak (especially with our current “leader” ha) and so dark. It feels like we are in a crapshoot and there’s no escaping it. I just want to gather up my people and head underground. But even there it’s possible to bump into the armed Voldemorts of the world. There’s just no hiding from this reality.

By now, you’ve all likely read or seen the stories about the UK and Australia reacting appropriately to gun violence (if not…. here) and it just seems so backwards that our amazingly progressive country has yet to react AT ALL to any of these crazy horrific tragedies.

Which is why it’s so important for us to DO SOMETHING.  To me this isn’t a partisan issue… it’s a moral issue. If you value human lives, you have to agree that something has to change in our country. Guns are certainly not the bottom line.  And yes, guns don’t kill people…. people kill people. BUT the people need the guns to kill the people. And it’s too easy for them. It doesn’t have to be, we can make it harder. We need to make it harder. We need to take action to reflect our values.

Our children deserve better than living a life of fear. We all do.

I know there have been a lot of opinions regarding this topic. And I have essentially nothing new to say. But the point is that I have SOMETHING to say. It’s the not saying anything that keeps us from changing. So. This is me, holding myself accountable for my part in making a change.

Sending so much love to you all, holding my loved ones tight, and putting one foot in front of the other…

Here are ways we can help:

 

(Illustration by Alessandra Olanow.)


what’s up / 02

Making: i made crosby “turkey kebabs” for lunch today and he flipped.  and all i did was put a small piece of deli turkey, a cherry tomato and a chunk of cheese on a toothpick.  ordinarily, he’d probably nibble on a few of those individual items.  but since they were on a kebab!  he put down 7.  i’m basically calling it a day after that friggin win.

Drinking: water, surprisingly.  we had our first full weekend away from the kiddos (since willa was born) last weekend and we attacked it with the aggressiveness of…. two parents on their first weekend away from their kids (since willa was born).  among other things, we went to a grape stomp at a winery with our friends ALL day on Saturday…. and i’ve felt the need to rehydrate ever since. give me all the blue dolphins on the rocks.

Reading: currently reading In the Woods, which i’m liking so far but it’s kind of a complicated read. the author likes herself some fancy werds.  i’m into murder mystery thriller types lately but… will you laugh at me if i tell you they give me nightmares?  (i’m such a loser.)

Wanting: a camel coat for the fall/winter.  so far i’m digging this one from topshop and this one from old navy of all places… you guys, old navy has been turning up the heat lately!!  (seriously, such a loser. don’t hate me.)

Watching: i think i’ve officially given up on game of thrones after 5 episodes.  sorry, nerds.  any other binge-worthy suggestions that won’t make me lose faith in humanity?

Wishing: that crosby hadn’t fallen out of our couch fort and hit his forehead on the coffee table on sunday, resulting in his first ER visit. luckily he just needed some butterfly tape on his gaping wound and an apple juice and he was good as new.  well, almost… he still has what looks like a nasal strip taped down the middle of his forehead that he has to keep on for a few more days… but i’m so very very aware that it could have been much worse.  file this also under: things that give me nightmares.

Listening: the newish War on Drugs album. it feels like an old friend.

Enjoying: oreo thins!  we were supposed to have friends over for dinner tonight so i bought some oreo thins “for the kids”…. ahem…. but we ended up having to cancel because willa has been feeling kinda funny the last few days and anyways.  i needed to try them to see what all the hype was about.  and you guys, they’re so freaking good.  i mean, they’re obviously the same as…. oreo fats (???) … but CRISPIER.  go, get on out of here and buy yourself some, go on, git.

Loving: picking crosby up from pre-school. it’s currently the favorite part of my day.  if you don’t count the part when both kids naps overlap.

Hoping: that i’m not a punch line at my kids’ pediatricians office after calling there today and giving the receptionist the WRONG bday for willa, like 4 times.  i kept saying oct. 16th and she couldn’t find willa’s file and then she was finally like… um do you mean oct. 19th?  face —-> palm.  (have i mentioned lately that i’m a loser?)

Needing: to win the lottery so i can shop for fall and winter clothes.

Feeling: like i should feel more refreshed after a weekend off-duty. and by “off-duty”, i mean “off-doody”.  (ugh. seriously how are you even still reading this?)

Wearing: JEANS! the only upside to the weather changing is the ability to wear jeans again. i kinda hate shorts.  but jeans…. mama likey.  (you’re unsubscribing from my blog now, aren’t you?)


greetings from my couch.

You guys.  Crosby is currently at preschool (day 3 and I we’re all still emotionally intact!) and Willa is taking a nap and it’s 10:30 in the morning and I’m just… sitting on my couch… drinking coffee… and taking bites out of a giant chunk of Beemster cheese. (Don’t you dare judge me until you’ve tried it.) But like, what world is this that I’m living in right now?  Up until this week, mornings are usually pure chaos and full of activity.  It’s typically when we’d have some kind of outing or adventure or errand.  It’s usually go go gadget.  But I’m realizing now that Crosby is in school 4 days a week, 2.5 hours a day, and Willa still takes a morning nap, which means I have like, free time?  Excuse me while I wrap my head around this.

It’s glorious.

Every day after preschool (so 2 days so far. lolz.) I ask Crosby what he did at school. And according to him so far, he has seen his teacher, blew bubbles and drank water.  So.  Chances are, he’s going to be president one day.  (I didn’t say president of what.)  But honestly, it has been so adorable to see how much fun he’s been having.  The end of his “day” is always playground time, which is where I pick him up.  And both days he’s come running into my arms, sweaty and excited.  Then he quickly turns around and runs back to the playground but whatever.  His teacher has informed me that he’s very sweet and well-behaved and that makes me feel like I just won the lottery.  Also the director of the preschool told me she saw Crosby going down the slide on the first day and he just kept shouting, “this is so much fun!”  Ugh.  So proud of my boy.

Moving on!  So many of you gave me great recipe ideas after my last blog post, thank you!  I love any interaction with readers because sometimes it seems like I’m just talking to myself over here.  (You wish.)  Anyways, you’ll be happy to hear that last night I made a delicious homemade feast.  That consisted of a bag of Trader Joes vegetable fried rice, lovingly ripped open and heartwarmingly heated on the stove.  (No for serious guys, the stove made my chest warm.)  I plated the rice alongside an artisanal cheese stick and a few raspberries that were harvested locally.  In Mexico.

Ok ok, so I haven’t exactly been Julia Child this week but in my defense, Casey worked all day yesterday and then went straight to golf so I was single mom-ing all day about by dinner time I was just like, nope.  But stay tuned because next week!  I’m all in for making some new recipes.  If I make any winners, I’ll share them.  With my kids.

Speaking of which, it’s time to go pick up my firstborn from school!  I wonder what kind of adventures he’ll share with me today.  Maybe he found a stick.  Or maybe he saw a bird.  Time will tell….

 


sunday things.

1. I promised Casey that I would finally start watching Game of Thrones with him because the dude’s been bugging me about it for ages.  And we’re maybe 4 episodes in and I’m just like.  Why.  Someone please tell me what it is about this show that makes everyone’s nips hard?  I just don’t get it.  Does it take a while to get into? Halp me understand.

2. Speaking of ridiculous TV shows.  I’m feeling pretty meh about the pick for the next Bachelor.  What’s his name even?  Archie?  Arnie?  I could just goog it but that means opening up a new tab and reading and I’m just feeling kinda lazy right now.  Anyways, I didn’t watch when Alfie was on whoever’s season so I have no emotional connection to him.  But maybe that’s a good thing?  Or maybe I just won’t watch it this season?  (Somewhere in this house Casey is rolling his eyes hysterically at the thought of that ever happening.)

3. Willa is getting pretty close to walking.  Part of me is all, you better don’t! as I shove her down from standing.  But another part of me really wants this because she has been so physically needy lately.  Particularly during the hours of 4-6pm.  She just wants to be held nonstop.  Which makes it difficult to do anything else, especially make dinner.  I think walking might distract her long enough for me to make our weekly stuffed lobsters with crab imperial.  (Somewhere in this house Casey is rolling his eyes hysterically at the thought of that ever happening.)  ((And mentally calculating how much that dish would cut into our monthly budget.))

4. Ok seriously though.  I’m in a bit of a cooking rut.  I’m so bored with it, quite honestly.  When you consistently cook 3 meals a day plus at least 2 snacks for a family… it gets old as shit.  Not trying to complain but whyyyyy.  Any of you awesome parents have super quick, super delicious, super cheap recipes that a toddler will actually eat?  Please send them my way!  And while you’re at it, could you please send me some chinese takeout too thanksssss.  And a bottle of wine.  Red.  No, white.  No red.  Both.  And some twizzlers.  And sushi!  Wait.  What were we talking about again?

5. Crosby is starting preschool this week (I can’t even.) and last week his teacher came over for a home visit.  We’d been practicing her name for several days prior to that (Mrs. O) and so while she was here I asked Crosby if he remembered what her name was… and he shouted MRS. O!  Which was super great yay good job etc!  And then he very quickly followed it up with MR. POOP!  ::facepalm::  I don’t know if she actually heard this because she was getting something out of her purse in the other room at the time.  But seriously, what is it with little kids and the word poop?  How do they decide that it’s such a funny thing to say?  I don’t know how but I’m sure in some way it’s Donald Trumps fault.

6. Embarrassing thing I’ve googled recently: what do bears in zoos do in the winter?

7. Something that I’ve noticed since moving back to MN… drivers here do not care about pedestrians at.all.  In Portland, pedestrians are treated like royalty.  Drivers basically stop and roll out a red carpet for anyone who looks even remotely interested in jaywalking across a busy road.  I loved it!  But here, folks could care freaking less.  A few weeks ago I saw an old couple trying to cross a fairly busy road and no one stopped.  Finally someone did, but as the couple crossed, an oncoming car started honking their horn from like, forever away.  It was so sad!  MN drivers, get your shit together and slow down for the elderly.  And me and my kids.

8. Has anyone seen IT?  Casey has been begging me to see it with him… but I fear as though I may need to borrow one of Crosby’s diapers if I watch it.  I used to love scary movies but now I’m a big fat weanie and I would prefer to not start weeping in the middle of a crowded theater.

9. Casey and I are house-swapping with my mom and stepdad this coming weekend.  Meaning we’re going to go and stay at their house in Alexandria and they’re going to come and stay at our place…. with our kids.  aliwaleijweliwgoismlwiejfioih!!!!  I have only spent one night away from Willa and Crosby since Willa was born (she’ll be 1 in October).  So I feel like this weekend is well deserved.  We’re going on a date on Friday night and a grape stomp at our wedding winery with some friends on Saturday.  I’m obviously going to miss my sweet little ankle biters, but I am also suuuuuper pumped to pee in peace for a whole weekend.

10. I took these photos of Crosby and Willa over a month ago but I’ve been having some computer troubles, so I just finally got them loaded on here and anyways here they are and you’re like shut up already would you.  Well here they are if you’d like to see!

I mean…. how precious and perfect and cute are they!?!!!

……..

But let’s be honest, this is what life with these two actually looks like…


happy third birthday, sweet boy.

Happy third birthday, my sweet little boy.

I can’t believe we’re already celebrating one more year of your beautiful life. Looking back on the last year, I truly cannot believe how much you’ve changed. You’re like, a real person now! A silly, stubborn, curious, bold, and oh so very loveable person. A person that I can have conversations with and go on adventures with. A person that makes me laugh so hard without even trying. A person that I grow more in love with every single day.

The past year has been full of adventures for our family. Big adventures…. a new sister, saying goodbye to Portland and all your friends, moving, moving again, and then again. And you’ve handled everything like a champ, just rolling with the punches. You’ve amazed me, kid. To be honest, it’s been a tough year for me with all the changes that we’ve faced. But through it all, you have been the one thing that has kept me grounded. You have been my place of comfort amidst a whole lot of chaos. You have reminded me that no matter where we are in this world, in this life, that our family is my home. And I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know.

This past year has also been full of dinosaurs. My god, you love dinosaurs. And animals. And going to the park. And the zoo. And mac and cheese and “special treats”. You love dancing. And playing t-ball in our backyard. You absolutely love reading stories. You love bath time. And swimming. And going for walks. You love watching shows and movies. And the popcorn that goes along with them. (You got that from me, kid. You’re welcome.) You love that you’ve learned to stand up when you pee. (I wish you loved aiming too.) And your stuffed animals. You love bubbles. You love spending time with our families. And meeting new people. (They’re so lucky.)

You completely adore your papa. You have mixed feelings about your sister, but you sure do love making her laugh. And for whatever crazy reason… you seem to love me a whole dang lot. I can’t even tell how much I love you back.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again a million times, I’m so lucky to be your mama. Happy birthday, my guy.

 

birthday letter year 1
birthday letter year 2


what’s up / 01

Making: this salad.  I’ve made it 3 times in the last 2 weeks… it’s so good!  My only complaint about it is that if you have children you’ll need to allow yourself 7.5 hours to make it.
Drinking: do I even have to answer this question?  Wine.  From a bottle… from a box… from a can… from an IV…
Reading: I’ve been on page 7 of this book for like, a month.  Is it good?  Don’t know, I’ll get back to you in 18 years when I’ve finally finished it and my kids have moved out so it won’t even matter how I parent anymore waa.
Wanting: like, 12 more months of summer.
Watching: the bachelorette.  I love this season so much.  I love Rachel.  I love Peter.  Ugh, that Peter.  He’s such a treat for the eyes.  Also, I don’t want to toot my own horn, but after the first episode of the season my friend and I sent each other our top ten predictions… and I accurately predicted the top 4… (in this order: 1. Peter 2. Bryan 3. Eric 4. Dean) so… tootie tootie toot toot!
Listening: so much country music.  Who am I even?
Wishing: that sweet Bill (Willa) would sleep through the night.  And not get up at 5am.  Excuse me while I shovel more coffee into my face.
Enjoying: our pool! I went back and forth between buying our pool and another shallower, more obvious kiddie pool with animals and a jungle and 37 other pieces of flair all over it.  And anyways, I’m SO glad that I went with ours because it’s so much more substantial and family friendly.  And it fits all of us.  And it has a bench. And a cup holder.  For my wine can Crosby’s water bottle.  Best buy of the summer.
Loving: when Crosby will group-hug Casey and I and say “I love you guys”.
Hoping: that we can make room in our budget for a house cleaner.  Please and thank you, amen.
Needing: to get my hair done.  My regrowth since Willa was born is almost all gray.  Not kidding.  Not fair.
Feeling: like I want my kids to have a genuinely happy life.  More than anything else in the world.
Wearing: one piece swimsuits.  No makeup.  Jorts.  Birkenstocks.  Basically anything that’s the opposite of sexy.

And some summer photos to send you on your merry way….


motivation for me.

I woke up this morning feeling more motivated than I have in literal months.  Months!  I’m not saying that I’ve been a bump on a log for the last however long (hahahahaha impossible with 2 kids) but I just haven’t felt the urge to do… more.  Than necessary.  For myself.  I’m not talking about motivation towards parenting or day-to-day life, I’m speaking to more personal…. extracurriculars?  Like writing (obviously), exercising, reading, taking time for myself etc. etc.  I just haven’t felt super motivated to do more than just get by.

Does that make sense?  Anyone else ever feel this way?  No?  Just me?  Cool, cool.  Carry on.

I took a long walk with the kiddos and dogs this morning.  (And by long, I mean it took us an hour to go around the block.  For reals, I should get a medal every time I take all four of those creatures for a walk at the same time.  A medal in the shape of a full wine glass.)  And anyways, while we were walking I thought a lot about what was floating around in my brain bag… and I think the reason I feel this renewed sense of energy, oddly enough, is that we don’t have big plans to leave our house for the next few weeks. This summer has been so nuts so far (well, let’s be honest, the past 6+ months have been nuts) that this weekend will only be the third weekend that we’ll be at home by ourselves since we moved into our house in May.   Bananatown crazypants.  We’ve been so busy making plans with this family, and that family, and friends, and more family.  And we really try to make sure things are as equal as possible with each family, which means that we are constantly making more and more plans.   Which is not a bad thing at all, but it leaves me feeling spread pretty thin at times.  And don’t get me wrong, we’ve been having so much fun and we absolutely LOVE the fact that we get to see our families and MN friends so much more now, but dude.  We went from having almost every single weekend to ourselves (in Portland) to having almost every single weekend spoken for here.  It’s been a big adjustment.

I swear I’m not trying to complain ::side-eye:: I’m more so trying to talk/write this out so I can work through the feeeeeelings.  I think I’ve just been feeling a bit tapped out lately with all travel and plans and oh!  I still have to like, parent two small humans on the daily.  When I have had a moment of free time lately, I always have some project or chore or just necessary every day thing to do.  (Do you hear tiny violins playing yet?  I sure do.)  But like I said, it’s left me with very little time (or desire) to do more for myself.  Which I think is why I’ve been feeling like an old sack lunch lately.

So. I think knowing that I have nothing to pack/plan/shower for for a good small chunk of time is allowing me to come up for air for a hot second.  (I said “hot second” to my mom the other day and she’s like… oh is that like, a sale or something? LOLZ)  In my head I’ve already scheduled workouts, made playlists, stacked up new (non-parenting) books to read, hired a sitter for date night, updated my headspace app, and made big plans to sit my yard and do NOTHING other than grill, drink wine and play in the pool with my sweet little family as much as possible.  It’s not like I couldn’t have done any of this before, regardless of any plans or visitors or trips, but I just feel so much more motivated to do these super vanilla things all of a sudden.  Probably because I now have a tiny window of space in my brain to make room for them again.

All that said, maybe this is just a fluke and in 10 minutes I’ll feel like faceplanting into mediocrity or divebombing into laziness.  But for now I’m super excited to make the most of this feeling… and make the most insignificant plans as possible for the next few weeks.  Cheers to fresh sack lunches!


friday things.

:: casually sidesteps the awkward fact that she hasn’t blogged in 3 months… ::

1. Both of my kids are currently napping at the same time!  This doesn’t happen very often but when it does, I freak out about all the “free time” I have and then spend an inappropriate amount of time debating what I should do with said “free time”, which ends up being just a big fat waste of the “free time”!  I could take a nap too, but the few times I’ve tried that during the elusive double kid nap, I barely fall asleep before I’m woken up by human foghorns and then I just end up feeling like a piece of old sushi for the rest of the day. (<— what.)  I also kind of want to just watch TV or read a book or something… but I’m not currently into any shows (any recos?) and the book I’m reading is about parenting so that’s super boring.  (ha.)  I usually just end up doing chores… laundry, emptying the dishwasher, washing wine glasses, etc. etc.  But that stuff sucks, so today I’m letting the dishes sit in the sink so I can go back to my roots and do some good old-fashioned blogging on the interwebs.  Excuse me while I dust off my Mario Teaches Typing skills.

2.  annnnnnnd Crosby just woke up, so I’ll see ya again in 5 months!

**I’m back.  It’s 3 weeks later.  ::facepalm::

So let’s just try to get through this quickly, shall we?  (That’s what she said.) ((Sorry, I’m a little rusty.)) (((That’s what she said.))) ((((Ugh.))))

3. We FINALLY found and moved into our new house last month.  It’s a sweet bungalow in South Minneapolis, and we are absolutely, 100% loving it.  Eh…. make that 99%….. I just found some weird bugs in Willa’s room and I’m a little squicked out.

4. We took a family vacation to San Diego with my mom, stepdad, brothers + their fams a few weeks ago and it was super fun… we truly had a blast.  However.  A “vacation” with two small children…. can we actually call that a vacation?  It’s kind of like everyday life, in a different setting, doing much more exciting errands.  Actually, this old Huff Post article sums up my feelings prettttty perfectly.  No but seriously, we had a great time.  And if I had my shit together better I would have written a whole post about it with lots of photos… instead you’ll just have to use your imagination to picture us building Crosby a potty (AKA large hole) in the sand so we wouldn’t have to leave the beach to find a bathroom.

5. I wrote an article for a website a few years ago when we first moved to Portland about how hard it is to make friends as an adult.  And many years later, I feel like I’m reliving that yet again.  Don’t get me wrong, some of our very best friends in the whole world live within an hour or two of us right now, which is baller.  (<—- stop.)  But not many of them live super close by.  Like, bop on over for a quick playdate or a glass of wine close by.  So I’m still very much feeling the growing pains of moving to a “new” city.  I really haven’t made any new friends since we got back here and I’m kinda just like… howwwww do I do this?  Is there a dating site for making friends??  If so, ugh, no thanks… that actually sounds awful.  I’ll just have a drink by mahself.

6. Speaking of, I miss Portland daily.  That place has a large chunk of my heart.  And my stomach, actually. If someone could send me a pound of Stumptown, a salmon flight from Bamboo, a khati roll from Bollywood, some salted caramel ice cream from Salt & Straw, a Loukanika salami from Olympic Provisions, a bottle case of wine from Stoller, chicken wings from Pok Pok, an Arbor Lodge breakfast sandwich from The Big Egg, a poke bowl from Zupans, and all of my Portland friends, that’d be great!  (I promise I won’t eat my friends, though.)

7.  I really really love my dogs.  But I really REALLY enjoyed having a 3-month break from them.  I REALLY REALLY appreciate my in-laws for babysitting them for 3 months while we looked for a house.  I REALLY REALLY REALLY need to purchase some lint roller refills.

**Was interrupted by kiddos again.  It’s 4 days later, BTW.

8. Remember in Dumb & Dumber when Jim Carrey asks that guy if he wants to hear the most annoying sound in the world?  Well, my sweet Willa has perfected that sound.  Like, to a T.  She usually whips it out during the witching hour when all hell is already breaking loose.  It’s suuuuuper precious.

9. Speaking of my sweet Bill (unfortunate nickname that she’s stuck with, sorry gurl!), she is almost 8 MONTHS OLD.  Please excuse me while I sob into her newborn pj’s.  And my little Crosboy is going to be 3 in August.  How.  Why.  Etcetera.  Seriously though, I feel like time has flown by since we moved here.  Yet, somehow I haven’t aged a day.  :: she says as she tucks her boobs into her jeans and plucks a gray hair out of her eyebrow. ::

10. The other day Crosby pooped in the potty and wiped himself… with his hand.  And then wiped his hand on the wall.  I’m just going to leave you with that little visual.

Have a great day!


terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Ever have one of those days that makes you want to punch a baby bird?  Ever have like, 3 or 4 of those days in a row?  If you’re shaking your head ‘no’, you might want to move along. Nothing for you to see here!… you lucky b.  If you’re nodding your head ‘yes’, then by all means, pull up a chair.  Let’s commiserate together.  Solidarity, sister.  Or brother! (But seriously, do any dudes even read this blog? Besides my dads and Casey?)

We’ve had a rough few days weeks is what it is.  Nothing is really terribly wrong, which makes me feel awful for even attempting to complain.  Nevertheless, here I am.  About to go all pity party up in here.

Crosby has been sick on and off for over two weeks.  At first it was an aggressive flu that had him sounding like an injured sea lion.  It was a not-so-fun few days that kept us cooped up with tissues and thermometers and LOTS of screen time.  But it came and went, though he has a lingering cough and we ALL caught his sniffles.  And now, he seems to have caught some kind of stomach bug.  The results of which were all over his sheets/comforter/pajamas yesterday morning.  I’ll give you a hint: it was barf.  It was awful and disgusting.  I spent all yesterday morning dragging both my infant and sick toddler up and down 5 flights of stairs to wash and dry every single item of clothing or bedding that was affected by the tragedy.  OH! Did I forget to mention? Our new airbnb rental doesn’t have a washer or dryer in it!  So we get to do our laundry in the basement of the building now! Yayyyyyy!  Oh, did I also mention that we had to move into this place during the peak of Crosby’s flu?  Yayyyyy! (That move is another ridiculous story for another day.)  Anyways, he seemed better during the day yesterday so I’d hoped it was maybe just a fluke or a 24-hour-thing, but this morning I went into his room to find another mess… this time from his, eh, other end.  If you catch my drift.  (I’ll pause while you dry heave a little bit, as I most certainly did this morning.) So, the kids and I just spent another morning traveling up and down the stairs to wash and dry every single item of clothing or bedding that was again, a casualty of the stomach bug.

Throughout all of this, Crosby has honestly been a trooper.  He’s never acted super sick or complained much about it.  HOWEVER, I think the combination of sickness + being quarantined + life changes has finally caught up with him and he is acting out and having meltdown after meltdown.  It’s simultaneously heartbreaking and incredibly frustrating at the same time. I know a lot of it is our “fault” for moving him around so much, taking him completely out of his normal routine, taking away almost all of the comforts of his home, and expecting him to just roll with it.  It’s a lot for a little kid to deal with.  Hell, it’s a lot for a grown-ass adult to deal with!  Last week was the first time he mentioned wanting to go back to his old house, which crushed my heart.  And If I’m being honest, I’m surprised it’s taken this long for all of those changes to really catch up with him.  I mean, he also just got a new sibling 5 months ago!

Speaking of my sweet Willa.  She seems to be making it her mission in life to get us kicked out of this apartment by way of screaming bloody murder.  Non.stop.  She’s been sleeping terribly lately (only taking 20 minute naps and then waking up every 1-2 hours at night) which is obviously playing a big part in her current screech owl status.  I don’t think anything is seriously wrong other than just being an infant.  But she will not stop crying.  Again, simultaneously heartbreaking and incredibly frustrating.

So back to today.  It’s been a hot box of hysterics.  I feel like my kiddos have been crying all morning long and I can’t seem to make anyone chill the f*ck out, including myself.  I actually screamed into a pillow at one point, which I don’t think I’ve ever seriously done in my life.  ALL of us cried.  I may or may not have locked myself in the bathroom for 45 seconds while both of my kids screamed at the top of their lungs.  I considered having a beer for lunch.  I’m not hardcore enough for that, though.  And finally, both kids are finally asleep… and what I should be doing is washing bottles, or washing my hair for the love of split ends, or lysol-ing my entire apartment.  But instead I’m sitting here in my pj’s (it’s 2:30pm), drinking ice-cold coffee and eating puffins out of the box.  And the biggest thing that I’m feeling right now… is guilt.  I feel SO guilty for not being more calm and not having more patience for the situation.  I feel guilty for getting frustrated at my sweet kids, who (for the most part) are not trying to make my hair turn gray.  I feel guilty for complaining so much, considering how lucky my family and I are.  I feel guilty for eating all of Crosby’s Puffins.

In addition to the above, there have been a lot of everyday annoyances and just plain bad luck situations that have taken their toll on all of us these past few weeks.  I know this is just a weird phase that’ll pass.  But today, mom-ing feels tough.

Anyways, the only real reason I’m writing all of this is because, well, for one thing, I needed to vent.  And also, because I know that it’s easy to assume that nobody else goes through (literal) shit day/s like this.  But we all do.  (Wait… right?!?!?!)  And I just want you to know that if you ever need someone to drink cold coffee and talk about your shit day with, I’m here.

I’m going to go fold my whites now, peace.


kids lately… + family photos!

Oh hi, it’s me.  Just casually sharing Willa’s newborn pictures from almost 4 months ago.  Oops.  I’d like to blame the busyness of moving but I’d also like to give the appropriate amount of credit to: lazy.

Anyways. I’ve been considering this blog more and more lately like a diary of sorts.  One that I’d like to be able to look back on when I’m old and gray (next week) and that I’d like my little kiddos to be able to read someday.  So I thought I’d start a series in which I give little updates on said kiddos, so that we can have some documented memories of their little personalities.

So let’s just jump right in with the lady of the hour…

My sweet Willa will be 4 months old tomorrow.  On the one hand I’m floored that she’s already that old.  On the other hand I think of the day she was born and it feels like it was approximately 17 years ago (though my mom bod would disagree).  It feels like she’s been here for SO long, yet she’s still so new and tiny.  I don’t know how to explain this feeling other than it’s heartbreaking, but in a good way?  I’ve said this before, but she is the very sweetest soul I’ve ever known.  Again, something I can’t really explain but I feel it every time I look at her.  She’s completely wonderful.

But let’s be honest, she’s a baby… so she definitely has her moments.  Overall, I would describe her temperament as “average”.  Ha.  She’s not a particularly difficult baby but I wouldn’t exactly call her an easy baby either.  She’s a pretty happy girl overall… but she can get upset fairly quickly, especially during the witching hour.  She’s the QUEEN of witching hour.  (It’s no coincidence that the witching hour and happy hour coincide, am I right? )

She’s a mama’s girl, which I not-so-secretly love.  If someone else is holding her and she sees me, she starts wiggling and whining for me.  She absolutely loves to be held and does her best napping when I’m wearing her in the wrap.  She has the squeakiest, most high-pitched shout/cry/whine… it’s actually so adorable.  We call her Squirrel because of it, which Crosby pronounces “circle”.

She has a love/hate relationship with most things… eating, baths, pacifiers, swaddling.  We can’t ever seem to really figure out what her thing is.  Or isn’t.  One thing is for sure, she loves to get her diaper changed.  So I guess that’s her thing.  Atta babe.

Every morning when she wakes up she gives us the biggest, widest smiles that make me want to gnaw her face off.  She has these beautiful long fingers and delicate little wrists… I find myself staring at them, wondering what kinds of things she’ll do with them, maybe she’ll be a piano player, or a guitarist… or maybe a pickpocket.  Dream big little one!

Her little personality is showing itself every single day and I can’t get enough.  I’m so so so proud to be her mama.

And then there’s my first-born.  My sweet little Crosby guy.  Oh, but if you call him a “guy”, he’ll shout at you “I’m not a GUY I’M CWOBBY!”  He’ll be 2 1/2 in a week.  And he’s good at it.  I like to describe 2 as the best and the worst age yet. And before you judge me… let me explain.  It is the absolute best because he’s talking so much and saying the silliest things.  He loves going on adventures and get’s so excited to just experience life.  He’s so giving of his love and affection.  He’s kinda the best.  BUT, being 2 comes with great responsibility… to act like a psycho.  His tantrums are epic.  He often can’t be reasoned with whatsoever.   And I often liken our interactions to negotiating with a terrorist.  However, there is very little that can’t be fixed with a “special treat” though (cookie, candy, fun snacks).

As everyone in the world probably knows by now, he is completely obsessed with dinosaurs.  Casey and I have had to learn so much about dinosaurs in order to be able to answer Crosby’s questions about them. I sometimes daydream about being on Jeopardy and winning with my knowledge of which dinosaur is a micropachycephalosaurus.  It’s more likely that Crosby would win though, his memory is so ridiculously good these days.

As much as he loves dinosaurs, he loves animals probably just as much.  He has a whole collection of small dinos and animals that follow him everywhere.  He has this thing where he has to have his animals or dinos “watch him” go to the bathroom.  (So sorry for your impending embarrassment, kiddo.)  Which means that we have to line all of them up on the bathroom counter to watch him pee.  It’s bizarre and kind of annoyingly time-consuming, but it’s one of the things that I will adore about him forever.

Other things he loves… books, play dough, larabars, bath time (with his animals and dinos), making houses (for his animals and dinos), watching shows (daniel tiger and dinosaur train on his favs), having picnics, playing his guitar, singing songs, and going on adventures.  He also loves to help me lately.  With laundry, cooking, taking care of his sister… And don’t get me wrong, his “help” often adds more time to the process.  But I love that he’s so interested.

A few of my favorite Crosby sayings these days….

“sound great, mama?”
“good morning! how’d you sleep?”
“thank you for listening to me”
“you have an idea??”
“fun day!”
“pssst… hey!… pssst”
“love you so much, mama”

He’s the funniest, sweetest, most curious, strong-willed child.  Every night after we put him to bed, and I’m usually exhausted from his antics, I think about him and miss him.  And then I want to go and wake him up.  (I don’t, I’m not crazy).  I absolutely, completely, 100% adore him.

And on that note, here are the rest of some kinda old photos of my favorite humans on the planet.  Take a peek, if you’d like!



Sweet sidenote.  There is a wishing tree right down the street from our house in Portland.  When Crosby was born I wrote a wish on it that I’d be able to stay home with him (which I didn’t think would be possible) and it came true.  That wish is still in the tree.  So during this photoshoot I wrote a wish for Willa too (that she’d learn to breastfeed, which she hasn’t… which means I’m the queen of the breast pump). But anyways, I love this wishing tree.  I wish I could have cut it down and taken it to Minnesota with us.  Maybe that should have been my wish?