Category Archives: deep thoughts

what’s your sleep marble number?

First of all, I just want to say thank you to everyone who commented on my revival post.  I swear on everything I own, Madewell purchases included, that one of my favorite parts of doing this is the feedback and conversations that come from it. So thank you. Kindness is real neat.

Ok, so! This is a topic that has come up a lot lately and I wanted some more people’s perspective on….

As a parent, what time do you go to bed?

Because I want to burgle you while you sleep.

Nah just kidding I’m too lazy for that.  But seriously, I’m curious about parent’s bedtime.  Because I’ve had a few conversations lately with Casey and friends… and the answers seem to lean heavily one way or the other.  What it seems is that parents typically fall into one of two camps; team sleep and team night owl.  Team sleep might not be the best name because let’s be honest we all WANT more sleep but some are more motivated to get it than others.  Team sleep goes to bed shortly after their kids.  Team night owl, not so much.

I fall pretty firmly into team night owl status.  Which means that most nights I stay up way later than I probably should. I’d say a typical night for me is going to bed around 11pm.  Sometimes much earlier, sometimes later.  But 11 is about the av.  (That’s average, for lazy people.  Who then end up spelling out average anyway. Twice.)

Sometimes people are shocked when I say that.  Other people are like, girl yes, same.  But it does seem to be a pretty divided sitch.  (That’s situation, for lazy people.  Who then end up spelling out situation anyway. Twice. Is this getting old yet?)

As I said, I’ve been talking to people about this a bit lately.  And the best way I can explain my stance is this… when my kids go to bed, I finally have a minute to myself.  That minute starts so late in the evening (Willa goes to bed at 7 and Crosby at 8, but he usually manages to snack/bathroom/iseeashadow/tuckmein/onemorestory/whydowehavebutts his way until at least 8:30.  At that point, as much as I love my kids, I am just like OK BIIIIIIIIYEEEEEEEE.  So when they are finally both down, I all of a sudden have time to myself and/or time with Casey.  And because that time doesn’t start until so late in the evening, I end up staying up later to just exist in the quiet of not having anything to do other than what I WANT (or sometimes need: I’m looking at you, laundry.) to do.  One netflix show turns into three, one hour of putzing around on my phone turns into blurry vision, one podcast about murder turns into needing to watch an episode of Friends to calm my nerves.  You know?

In addition to that, I also typically want to be physically left alone for a bit once both kids are finally down.  Sometimes, after Casey and I have finally succeeded the bedtime hustle, I’ll plop down on the couch and he’ll squish up next to me and put his hand on my leg or go in for a kiss and I’m all YOU BETTER DON’T.  I need at least 2 feet of personal space for at least the next 30 minutes.  Like I physically need to NOT be touched after being treated like human superglue all.day.long. by small humans and dogs and sometimes Casey if he’s lucky. (Heyo!) (Sorry to all the prudes.)

It’s like this.  It’s like I start the day with a certain level of emotional and physical… marbles.  (I don’t know? Let’s just go with it.)  And all day long I’m handing out these marbles.  You need a hug?  That’s one marble.  You’re having a tantrum and I’m trying to keep my cool?  That’s 15 marbles.  We’re taking family photos?  ALL THE MARBLES.  And in return, my people will often give me their marbles too (this is a terrible analogy and I’m just going to keep going).  But let’s be honest, as a parent of small children, we’re in more of a give/give situation than a give/take with our marbles.  So anyways, I’m giving and taking the marbles all day and by the end, I’m left with a pretty low marble count.  And sometimes I just don’t have much left to give and I what I really want to do is…. nothing.  I want to keep the few marbles I have left for myself.  And doing nothing feels real nice.  So I stay up later than I should to enjoy the nothingness.

This is sounding really dark, and it’s not supposed to!  Marbles!

But the thing of it is.  Even though I’m a team night owl, I still needs to get up at the crack of dawn with my little marble-grabbers.  (seriously, shawnna. think of a different object already.)  And sometimes yes, I’m tired.  Which is when team sleep (cough:casey:cough) is like, well then go to bed earlier ya dummy.  And I hear you, I really really do.  But for me, at this phase of my life, at this phase of my kids lives, staying up late is apparently more important to me than sleep is.  Does that make sense?  I feel like in order to recharge the batts, or re-fill my marble tank! I need a certain amount of nothing time during the day.  And sometimes the only time I can get it is between the hours of 9 and midnight.

All that said.  Am I crazy person?  Please don’t answer that.  Or answer it, but kindly.  And then bring me a cookie.

I’m honestly curious if other parents out there are team night owl?  Orrrr am I the only one sitting on the couch at 10:30 with half a sack of marbles?  Which then opens up the bigger question, is the sack of marbles half-empty or half-full?  UGH SORRY BYE.  #stoptryingtomakemarbleshappenitsnotgonnahappen

Thanks for reading! x


heavy heart.

I don’t need to state the obvious, but I will. This week has been hard. What happened in Las Vegas is beyond comprehension… yet for the 59 families who are dealing with deaths, 500+ other families who are dealing with injuries, and the thousands of other families who are dealing with the repercussions of having been a first-hand witness of a literal massacre, it’s been a living nightmare. I cannot imagine what they are going through. I cannot express how much my heart is hurting for them.

I had a strong realization this week, that the question is no longer “if”…. it’s “when”.  When will I be in the wrong place at the wrong time?  When will this happen to me or someone I love? I’m not saying this to be dramatic… I’m saying it to be realistic.

Casey and I have talked about the fact that we have been so close to a few shootings in the last few years. I was working 5 minutes from the grocery store in Tucson (where I stopped by before/after work multiple times a week) where there was a shooting that killed 6 people and injured many, including US Rep Gabrielle Giffords. When we lived in Portland, we were 15 minutes away from the Clackamas Town shooting that killed 2 people. Again, I’m not saying this to be dramatic but to paint the picture that it’s happening right next door.

What is happening in our world is unacceptable. The simple fact that we can’t go to a concert… or to school… a movie… to church… a nightclub… etc etc…. without worrying about dying? How did we get here? I don’t know about you but every time something like this happens, I find it harder and harder to be optimistic about the future. At this point, we are dealing with daily mass shootings. It’s a fact that our kids are more likely to die from a gun than from a car accident. Our future seems so bleak (especially with our current “leader” ha) and so dark. It feels like we are in a crapshoot and there’s no escaping it. I just want to gather up my people and head underground. But even there it’s possible to bump into the armed Voldemorts of the world. There’s just no hiding from this reality.

By now, you’ve all likely read or seen the stories about the UK and Australia reacting appropriately to gun violence (if not…. here) and it just seems so backwards that our amazingly progressive country has yet to react AT ALL to any of these crazy horrific tragedies.

Which is why it’s so important for us to DO SOMETHING.  To me this isn’t a partisan issue… it’s a moral issue. If you value human lives, you have to agree that something has to change in our country. Guns are certainly not the bottom line.  And yes, guns don’t kill people…. people kill people. BUT the people need the guns to kill the people. And it’s too easy for them. It doesn’t have to be, we can make it harder. We need to make it harder. We need to take action to reflect our values.

Our children deserve better than living a life of fear. We all do.

I know there have been a lot of opinions regarding this topic. And I have essentially nothing new to say. But the point is that I have SOMETHING to say. It’s the not saying anything that keeps us from changing. So. This is me, holding myself accountable for my part in making a change.

Sending so much love to you all, holding my loved ones tight, and putting one foot in front of the other…

Here are ways we can help:

 

(Illustration by Alessandra Olanow.)


what’s up / 02

Making: i made crosby “turkey kebabs” for lunch today and he flipped.  and all i did was put a small piece of deli turkey, a cherry tomato and a chunk of cheese on a toothpick.  ordinarily, he’d probably nibble on a few of those individual items.  but since they were on a kebab!  he put down 7.  i’m basically calling it a day after that friggin win.

Drinking: water, surprisingly.  we had our first full weekend away from the kiddos (since willa was born) last weekend and we attacked it with the aggressiveness of…. two parents on their first weekend away from their kids (since willa was born).  among other things, we went to a grape stomp at a winery with our friends ALL day on Saturday…. and i’ve felt the need to rehydrate ever since. give me all the blue dolphins on the rocks.

Reading: currently reading In the Woods, which i’m liking so far but it’s kind of a complicated read. the author likes herself some fancy werds.  i’m into murder mystery thriller types lately but… will you laugh at me if i tell you they give me nightmares?  (i’m such a loser.)

Wanting: a camel coat for the fall/winter.  so far i’m digging this one from topshop and this one from old navy of all places… you guys, old navy has been turning up the heat lately!!  (seriously, such a loser. don’t hate me.)

Watching: i think i’ve officially given up on game of thrones after 5 episodes.  sorry, nerds.  any other binge-worthy suggestions that won’t make me lose faith in humanity?

Wishing: that crosby hadn’t fallen out of our couch fort and hit his forehead on the coffee table on sunday, resulting in his first ER visit. luckily he just needed some butterfly tape on his gaping wound and an apple juice and he was good as new.  well, almost… he still has what looks like a nasal strip taped down the middle of his forehead that he has to keep on for a few more days… but i’m so very very aware that it could have been much worse.  file this also under: things that give me nightmares.

Listening: the newish War on Drugs album. it feels like an old friend.

Enjoying: oreo thins!  we were supposed to have friends over for dinner tonight so i bought some oreo thins “for the kids”…. ahem…. but we ended up having to cancel because willa has been feeling kinda funny the last few days and anyways.  i needed to try them to see what all the hype was about.  and you guys, they’re so freaking good.  i mean, they’re obviously the same as…. oreo fats (???) … but CRISPIER.  go, get on out of here and buy yourself some, go on, git.

Loving: picking crosby up from pre-school. it’s currently the favorite part of my day.  if you don’t count the part when both kids naps overlap.

Hoping: that i’m not a punch line at my kids’ pediatricians office after calling there today and giving the receptionist the WRONG bday for willa, like 4 times.  i kept saying oct. 16th and she couldn’t find willa’s file and then she was finally like… um do you mean oct. 19th?  face —-> palm.  (have i mentioned lately that i’m a loser?)

Needing: to win the lottery so i can shop for fall and winter clothes.

Feeling: like i should feel more refreshed after a weekend off-duty. and by “off-duty”, i mean “off-doody”.  (ugh. seriously how are you even still reading this?)

Wearing: JEANS! the only upside to the weather changing is the ability to wear jeans again. i kinda hate shorts.  but jeans…. mama likey.  (you’re unsubscribing from my blog now, aren’t you?)


motivation for me.

I woke up this morning feeling more motivated than I have in literal months.  Months!  I’m not saying that I’ve been a bump on a log for the last however long (hahahahaha impossible with 2 kids) but I just haven’t felt the urge to do… more.  Than necessary.  For myself.  I’m not talking about motivation towards parenting or day-to-day life, I’m speaking to more personal…. extracurriculars?  Like writing (obviously), exercising, reading, taking time for myself etc. etc.  I just haven’t felt super motivated to do more than just get by.

Does that make sense?  Anyone else ever feel this way?  No?  Just me?  Cool, cool.  Carry on.

I took a long walk with the kiddos and dogs this morning.  (And by long, I mean it took us an hour to go around the block.  For reals, I should get a medal every time I take all four of those creatures for a walk at the same time.  A medal in the shape of a full wine glass.)  And anyways, while we were walking I thought a lot about what was floating around in my brain bag… and I think the reason I feel this renewed sense of energy, oddly enough, is that we don’t have big plans to leave our house for the next few weeks. This summer has been so nuts so far (well, let’s be honest, the past 6+ months have been nuts) that this weekend will only be the third weekend that we’ll be at home by ourselves since we moved into our house in May.   Bananatown crazypants.  We’ve been so busy making plans with this family, and that family, and friends, and more family.  And we really try to make sure things are as equal as possible with each family, which means that we are constantly making more and more plans.   Which is not a bad thing at all, but it leaves me feeling spread pretty thin at times.  And don’t get me wrong, we’ve been having so much fun and we absolutely LOVE the fact that we get to see our families and MN friends so much more now, but dude.  We went from having almost every single weekend to ourselves (in Portland) to having almost every single weekend spoken for here.  It’s been a big adjustment.

I swear I’m not trying to complain ::side-eye:: I’m more so trying to talk/write this out so I can work through the feeeeeelings.  I think I’ve just been feeling a bit tapped out lately with all travel and plans and oh!  I still have to like, parent two small humans on the daily.  When I have had a moment of free time lately, I always have some project or chore or just necessary every day thing to do.  (Do you hear tiny violins playing yet?  I sure do.)  But like I said, it’s left me with very little time (or desire) to do more for myself.  Which I think is why I’ve been feeling like an old sack lunch lately.

So. I think knowing that I have nothing to pack/plan/shower for for a good small chunk of time is allowing me to come up for air for a hot second.  (I said “hot second” to my mom the other day and she’s like… oh is that like, a sale or something? LOLZ)  In my head I’ve already scheduled workouts, made playlists, stacked up new (non-parenting) books to read, hired a sitter for date night, updated my headspace app, and made big plans to sit my yard and do NOTHING other than grill, drink wine and play in the pool with my sweet little family as much as possible.  It’s not like I couldn’t have done any of this before, regardless of any plans or visitors or trips, but I just feel so much more motivated to do these super vanilla things all of a sudden.  Probably because I now have a tiny window of space in my brain to make room for them again.

All that said, maybe this is just a fluke and in 10 minutes I’ll feel like faceplanting into mediocrity or divebombing into laziness.  But for now I’m super excited to make the most of this feeling… and make the most insignificant plans as possible for the next few weeks.  Cheers to fresh sack lunches!